I had the opportunity the other day to act as a ROAR Buddy for someone. He didn’t even know that’s what I was doing. He thought I was just being a “good listener”. But once you know how to be a good buddy for the ROAR process, you can be a good buddy in any stressful circumstance.
Validate, Do Not Engage
The number one rule of being a ROAR Buddy is that you validate the person’s feelings. You do not engage with the feelings, or magnify them. In this instance, my friend had received a string of bad business news. He was thinking of throwing in the towel. I kept the conversation focused on what he was feeling — hurt, betrayal, shock, fear, etc. — rather than engaging with those feelings. Also, I stayed away from any comments about the other people involved. I didn’t guess at their motives, or run them down. Most importantly, I kept away from justification statements. Those are all likely to get someone stuck in a particular emotional pattern. The goal of ROAR is to help you process the emotions quickly, without getting stuck.
Do Not Make Decisions
The ROAR process is divided up into times when the fear center in your brain is in control, and times when the problem solving center in your brain is in control. When you’re in the grip of your emotions, your fear center is in control. This is the absolute worst time to be making decisions. Any decisions you make now are prioritized based on how badly something could end up, not how likely that outcome is. In this case, my friend was thinking about giving up on his business entirely, and moving out of the area. His fear center was laying out a scenario where his business failed, he lost everything and was homeless. If that was the only option, of course it would be better to quit while there were still some assets to sell. But it wasn’t the only option.
Postpone Irrevocable Actions
Rather than get into a debate with him on the likelihood of this outcome, I simply asked him to postpone taking action. It would take time to wind down a business and get ready to move out of the area. I doubted he’d be able to do all of that in less than 2 weeks. So, could he agree that he’d spend that 2 weeks planning the sale and move? But he would not actually flip the switch on it until the end of that time. That way, if something happened to change his mind, he would not have done anything irrevocable.
Learn How to Be a Good Buddy Before You Need It
I was able to help my friend in this way, because I’d learned how to be a good buddy well before the time of crisis. If you’re in the middle of dealing with something, it’s too late to pick up new techniques for how to be a good buddy. You need to be focused on helping your friend, not learning something new. So go ahead and read my book now, and practice with little things. That way, the skills will be ready and available when you need them.
