The ROAR process was initially designed to help individuals handle their emotional reactions to obstacles and setbacks. That was later expanded to help businesses deal with obstacles. After all, the business decisions are being made by human executives, who have emotional reactions. Another type of situation beyond what’s covered in the book is shared setbacks. For example, if something goes wrong in a relationship, both people in the relationship are affected. And one participant can’t get to making a plan if the other participant is still stuck in their emotions.
Shared Setbacks Require Shared Solutions
Consider a sports team. When the team loses a game, the coach determines how to fix what the team did poorly. He also determines how to improve what the team did well. He makes a plan for the team practices, and the team carries out the plan. The same thing happens when a business suffers a setback. The executives in charge make a plan for how to improve and enhance the business. Then their employees implement that plan.
These types of solutions are possible because there is a single person at the top of the hierarchy who can make and enforce a plan. If the people involved are peers, with no one in charge of the other, that methodology breaks down. A spouse can’t dictate requirements to improve and enhance the relationship to their husband or wife. (Well, they can, but that’s more likely to lead to divorce court than a long-term fix.) Similarly, if business partners disagree about a situation, there’s no means for one partner to force their view on the other.
Since solutions to shared setbacks can’t be forced, another way of coming to a resolution is necessary. Fortunately, the ROAR process is sufficiently stretchy to accommodate joint processing of a shared solution.
Working In Tandem
Most likely, one person will be able to process their emotions more quickly than the other. As soon as that person shifts from operating out of fear to problem solving, they can help their partner make the same shift. Get your partner talking about their feelings — not their fears, not their story, but their actual feelings. Are they feeling hurt? Betrayed? Taken advantage of? Angry? Sad? Rejected? Unwanted? Whatever they are feeling, keep reiterating that these are valid feelings, and in this moment, they are safe. Eventually, they will process their feelings and shift into problem solving.
Then, look for the good together. Whenever one of you finds something you think is good, ask the other for their opinion. It may take a while, but you will eventually find something that both of you consider to be good. Remember, it is the act of searching for something good that makes the changes in your brain. So make sure both people propose possible good things.
Choose a direction together, and determine the truth of the situation together. Finally, when you create a plan, you can make a joint high-level plan. Then, each person can create a personal plan, provided it meets all of the high-level action items and deadlines.
Do that, and your shared setbacks will lead to stronger communication and more productivity for all concerned.
